Just a Thought

I was just thinking (while driving, cuz that's when I'm in my own world) that I used to be a happy person.  What happened to me?  Then my mind was flooded with thoughts of chemo and sickness, division, hurt and anger.  What?  Am I blind?  No, I've just been living inside a shell.  In a place of protection, a place of denial.  I didn't want to see what was going on in my life.  I shut down everything.   Anything that could reach my heart.  Nothing was going to get in and hurt me again.  Well, that's no life at all! 

I have recently discovered that I want my life back.  Finally!  I'm fighting for it! 

Dying doesn't scare me (I've been there more than once).  I'm afraid of  living without emotion.  For 5 years now that's what I've done.  I go through the motions, and on the outside it looks like I'm living.  But I'm not.  I'm sequestered in my little shell where no one can hurt me, where no one can know me for real.  I'm tired of living a lie!  I want to love again, to feel again, even hurt again!  And I will!

This is my life and I'm taking it back!  I AM a happy person!